The Do-Good Syndrome

On the evening of my fortieth birthday, I lay crying in bed because I had just given my little dog Zjonnie away—and regretted it immediately.

Even as a puppy, Zjonnie was like a dog with ADHD squared. Shortly after I got him, I took on a demanding communications assignment further away from home. A friend said to me, “You can’t manage that with a dog like him. It’ll take too much organising and he’s far too lively. My sister is looking for a dog—just give him to her.”

That only made me feel more pressured. Because I didn’t actually want to lose Zjonnie. I had already fallen head over heels for that little bundle of energy. And who gives away their dog?

When I took him to my friend’s sister for a trial period, there was already a dog bed waiting for him—and he had been given a new name. “Oh, and the grandchildren are so excited about the new dog.”

At the end of the trial period, I said, “All right, you can keep him.”

Five minutes later, I felt a wave of heat rising from my toes. I remember exactly where I was sitting: on the bench under the little canopy outside my house in Eindhoven. By the time the heat reached my head, I knew only one thing: Zjonnie HAD to come home. To me.

I didn’t dare go and get him myself, so I sent my sister Annamaja—who tends to get these kinds of assignments in our family and, more importantly, accepts them. But the woman refused to give him back.

“Lara gave him away,” she said.

Which, of course, was true—and made me feel twice as guilty. Eventually, she called and said, “Come and get him.”

When I picked him up at the gate, I mumbled a few apologies. I was so shaken that I couldn’t even look Zjonnie in the eye that first day.

The people-pleasing syndrome. Wanting to be liked. Not daring to say no. Not wanting to disappoint someone else. Believing that other people know what’s best for you better than you do yourself.

I suffered from it for forty years. Until I gave Zjonnie away.

I don’t always have to get my way, but these days I do try to stay true to what matters to me. Through trial and error. In small things—and sometimes in bigger ones.

Like giving away your dog.

I’m still grateful he came back. Although Zjonnie has now been in doggy heaven for more than a year, he was a wonderful little teacher in more ways than I could ever have imagined back then.

And I wouldn’t have missed that for the world…